This is a despair-filled, Sayaka-inspired moping of an explanation.

[Destination]

Don't mind the title. It's meant to be appropriate for this post anyway. There will be at least a few more meguca references I'm making because...well, if you know the series, then I know you will know how depressing and dark it is. And it's a reason why I've bonded vey closely with it as of late and as an outlet for my depression, I will not be able to resist making more meguca references.

[BGM: Decretum]

As I wrote nearly a month ago, I went to Thailand for a live-firing exercise, using the FH-2000 as the platform for the entire exercise. I can't go into more details, I suppose, being military and all. The outfield lasted for nine days in all, followed by cleanup and R&R. But that's not important.

I'm a Detachment Commander in charge of a gun crew of eight. My main responsibilities include the following of each order to fire, down to the letter. Any mistake could possibly cause a safety breach or a lethal mistake.

Which, as it turns out, I committed one of the worst ones: Negligent Discharge. I fired a round without clearance from the higher-ups.

When it hits you that you've made the stupidest and worst mistake any DetComm could possibly make, it's an understatement to say that it's kinda hard to recover. My mood pretty much went downhill from there and could have set the tone for the rest of the exercise.

奇跡も、魔法も、あるんだよ。

...Well, that's what I thought. For awhile, I tired to push the whole ND incident to the back of my mind and carry on as smoothly as I could be. It's an exercise of confidence, and if. I can't have that, then the exercise is a reflection of my failure to be a competent DetComm.

Well guess what, I failed some more.

It's said that the entire exercise personnel came to hear of me during the exercise. I couldn't respond to summons because I was sleeping at the wrong time. I got fed up being nagged over the comms by a nervous cadet and swore over the comms to any unfortunate third parties to hear them as well. I broke a shovel while digging out a wheel shortly after that, the rage-filled strength I had after swearing no doubt playing a major part. I argued with fellow commanders, got yelled at by my safety staff sergeant (and the other detachment's as well) and generally made a huge fool of myself.

Not every incident was a bad thing, to be frank. I managed to guide our prime mover out of tight spots twice, and both time right under the nose of the biggest officer in the exercise. Call it luck or whatever, but he seemed to be the only smiling face out of a sea of disapprovals.

Not like he would brush over my mistakes just like that though.

The thing about a ND is that's much worse than a single bullet can ever be. You have to aim a bullet for it to actually harm anyone, but the charge brought against anyone for a misfired bullet is the same as hurting someone with one.

A 155mm round is different. It has a killing radius of thirty-seven metres and will wound anyone within a hundred.

It's understandable, I hope, that misfiring an artillery shell feels completely different from a 5.56mm bullet.

I made a contract, and got this power.

Well, I didn't sign on the the army here, I was conscripted. But just to cut to the chase; I'm rambling.

Even if I was okay on the surface, the ND took a huge chunk of my confidence out from the subconscious. I made a *lot* of slip ups on the way since then til now, and it's affecting my mood and energy as well. I'm getting into misunderstandings more often, lethargy is a bigger and bigger problem, and...well, I chose this time of all times to pick up Puella Magi Madoka Magica.

あたしって、ほんとバカ。

I feel at times that this is like a day where I've woken up on the wrong side of bed, times a dozen. Or a month, since it's nearly a month since I left for Thailand and returned.

While I'm at home and can use the computer freely without interruption, I'll be focusing on translation work. I'll let Kokonoe do what she/he has to do on AWRP until some calm has settled again. Not too much though; I might have to kickstart some things by leading the way in new character apps and getting down to review some as well.

In the meantime, I'm trying not to think too hard about Sayaka becoming the very thing she hated dying, and instead on the happier stuff, like her character song with Kyouko.

Oh, how I wish I had a Kyouko by my side to kick me back up to my feet too. We'll sit at the train station until you've beaten enough sense into me...