Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

[Forthwind]

Real World:

Name:  Mayumi Rin

Age:  13 years old

Gender: Female

Appearance:

Spoiler:

Face claim from Mirai, Kyoukai no Kanata.

Rin is a small girl who is only 4'5 in height and has a flat chest and small limbs. She has orange hair and eyes while always wearing eyeglasses. She likes to wear sweaters or jackets even though it is not cold and prefers to wear her uniform more than casual clothing. She has the look of a "moe" or a cute little girl but deep inside she's very scare and ferocious like a lion.

History:  

Spoiler:

Personality: Rin is very quiet. She does not talk a lot and prefers to be alone especially after the incidents that happened to her. In real world, she does not like associating with people and is very very cold. She always use the catch phrases, "Urusai" or Shut Up, or even, "Shine" or Die if one tries to talk to her. Though deep down, she is capable of being a caring person and will do anything to protect what is important to her. But the possibility of this happening is low as she does not like people to get close to her. In brain burst, she is somewhat the opposite. She is head strong, brave, courageous, very wise and has a calm demeanor. More like the Rin of old, for Rin, BB is her new home making Mauve Huntress as the real Rin.

But at times, especially in combat, she shows signs of severity and aggressiveness that can be compared to the Rin that fired an arrow in the accident. She does not pity her opponent and is merciless. She believes that hunting a prey needs to be quick, efficient but painful. Unlike other linkers, Rin fights not for Burst Points or for gaining levels, rather she fights to please herself and escape reality. Also, Rin always thinks that her opponents are her bullies long ago, making her incapable of escaping  her past. Every time she remembers her past, she experiences severe headaches and her personality changes in her fights. Rin is a "tsundere". She likes cats and dislikes bitter and sour food as she prefers sweet ones. She enjoys archery and dislikes everyone that dislikes her.

Points of Distinction:

In real world:

- always has a poker face
- says the catchphrases "Shut Up", "Die" or "Go to Hell"
- does not care about the world
- chocolate lover

In brain burst:

- very calm but severe and merciless
- always attacks and never defends
- very beautiful and ephemereal
- has an aggressive personality

Brain Burst Avatar: Mauve Huntress

Appearance:

Spoiler:

Explanation: Her avatar's appearance is a beautiful archer with a dazzling body different from her real world persona. It comes from her trauma of being isolated due to her talent and wanting to fire an arrow at anyone that tries to harm her. Her avatar is purple hued color but is close to being blue. Though she is not close range, she is close to blue due to her way of confronting her trauma. At the same time why is she more of a long range than a mix of close/long? It's because also she wishes to be a huntress that fires arrow to hunt  her enemies making her a fitting long range avatar despite having a purple hue.

Parent: Flame Juggernaut, unknown boy

Stats:

STR: 30 (C)

DIR: 25 (B)AMR: 5(E)

TAC: 80 (B+)

SKL: 75 (B+)SDF: 5 (E)

AGI: 70(B+)KG: 20(D)

==========

ATK: 100 (A)DEF: 15(D)

Abilities and Armaments:

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

[Guest]

well the story is very detailed I must applaud you on that. I also get a very solid idea of what type of character you want in Brain Burst.

However there are some points of the story line that seem a little out there. First off in archery for safety reasons. No one is to be in front of the archer or be anywhere near the archer, not other archers, people watching or even the coach. If they do break this rule and they get injured it's not the archer's fault no matter who says differently. They always have to be behind the archer by several meters that way in case of an 'accident' or a failure of the equipment the misfired arrow can not hit anyone unless the archer is purposely aiming for someone in that direction and if it goes wild into the air. It's up to the school to build an arena that prevents arrows from getting outside of the area being fired at.

Second, if Rin actually talked to an adult at the school and mentions sabotage, most of the time it's going to be investigated especially with an incident with an injury. It may force Rin to not participate in the upcoming tournament but it would not ban her from future tournaments

You may want to review your overall story  

Another point I want to bring up is that your character has serious balance issues in the terms of RP

Marksmanship of the Huntress: The ability to pass through stage obstacles is extremely overpowered. It pretty much says you don't care what rules are in play for the stage but your arrows can go right through the stage and into your target. We can not allow this to exist simply because it's not realistic.

Kyudo "The Way of the Bow": This stat stacking move is believable however it is kinda pointless with your stats and the formula. Right now your overall attack is at A rank and the next rank (A+) doesn't hit until 200 which would take 20 arrows hitting an opponent for your character to get any more power and even if the opponent's defense is at A rank 20 arrows hitting them ends up dealing 100% damage total which in most cases is a victory over your enemies.

Piercing Arrow: 100% damage for 100% KG? uh heh heh... No just no, You can't use a tech that if it hits it kills the opponent realistically very few is going to allow you to hit them with that move.

[Kerubin]

I can see you put a tremendous amount of Effort into this Character App, and you have the same Drive that I had when I first made Violet Repulse. Don't let it die out, especially once it gets Approved in the future. That being Said, there are many Flaws in your App, and I'll do my best to point each flaw out and elaborate as to how it is a Flaw.


History:
> As far as from what I read, the only thing that stands out are the last two Paragraphs of your History, the fact that she actually did something about her bullies, almost makes it seem that she's a blue type, but your history altogether fits a Purple Duel Avatar.

>However, most Nightmares when people install Brain Burst, include some Trauma of her Past, and their Dark Desire for the most part, her trauma is the Bullying, yet she acted out on it hence in her Dream, she acted out to the bullies as well, so it confuses me slightly, but I do get the gist of it, just try to make it somewhat clearer for others because, the fact you acted out against the Bullies, almost makes you that Red Color in the Duel Avatar section.

Duel Avatar:
> The moment I started reading your Duel Avatar, I will not lie, I fell in love with the Design of it. However, that obviously can't come without some criticism.

> 1st off, you're not a pure purple color, hence you don't have to follow the exact restrictions of the Pure Purple DA's, because you don't specialize in Physicality, you can move over some of your DIR Points to your SKL Stat to make your Archery more Potent.

> Secondly, your Passive Skill is too powerful for a Level 1, it should in my opinion, just allow some System Assist with your Aiming, yes, for your Arrows to actually do something, they have to Hit their target, but because you're a Long Range Fighter, you can technically Snipe your opponents from a Distance if we allowed your Passive Skill to grant Piercing Properties to your Arrows, thus allowing only the System Assist of your Aiming with Archery, is Suffice for now until you Level Up and upgrade your Specialty a few times.
--So fix up your Passive Skill, and try to follow the mini-guideline I more or less inserted just now, it honestly is the best thing for now.

> Thirdly, Your ENTIRE Duel Avatar cannot be an Enhanced Armament, your Arrow should be the Enhanced Armament, not your Armor, not your Helmet, not the Dress, NONE of that should be an Enhanced Armament. If you wish for your Entire Duel Avatar to be an Enhanced Armament; then do so with your Level Up Bonuses, if your Specialty is Archery, it will mainly affect your Bow and Arrows, however; you can also select a few Enhanced Armaments that pertain to the rest of your Duel Avatar, they will each give you a Small Bonus, and may give you a nifty Passive/Limited Activation Skill, or much needed Stat Points towards something you need.

> ALSO, the Effect of your Enhanced Armament is too powerful, a 10 Post Duration of Stack-able +5's to your SKL Stat if your Arrows Connect? That Effect is more like something a Level 5+ Duel Avatar would have, if he/she has upgraded his/her Specialty Faithfully. Tone it down with the Effect, if shouldn't have any Drastic Effects like that until you reach the Specified Level earlier said, and that's IF you only Spend your Level Up Bonuses solely on your Specialty.
--Perhaps we can make it so that your Bow has Two Types of Arrows to choose from, Normal, and a choice of EITHER, Explosive, Stun, Flame, Freeze, etc. Arrows. But only one of those extra Arrow Types, to allows for different ways to Attack your Opponent. If another AT Member states that you should ONLY have Normal Arrows until you Level Up, then it must be that way.

> Lastly, your Killer Move, is TOO Powerful, yes it's a 100% Nuke Killer Move like my Shadow Break/Pulse, but it CANNOT be an OHKO Move at Level 1, unless you hit the Head. Perhaps you can maybe create an Estimated Damage Calculations Table based on the Body Parts that you hit. But it should NEVER be an OHKO move this Early, or possibly ever.
-Perhaps an Arrow literally cloaked in Blood would be a nice touch for Hatred, maybe boosts your SKL by 1.1x or 1.2x the Stat it already is. It should not be based around the AGI Stat at all. That's what SPD and ARM is for, to defend.

Don't get discouraged, it's a great app overall, but in all honesty, it's too OP for a Level 1, just tone it down a few notches and it should be approved within the next 2 to 5 days (roughly, not the actual timeframe it'll happen in)

[Katie]

Gadget is probably on the mark about archery; I may not be very well informed about the subject but his reasoning seems quite sound when viewed through a "common sense" perspective. That's one thing I missed, and I assume the rest will feel more nitpicky in comparison... Halo has also covered what he thinks as well, but I have rather contrasting opinions, so here goes. (Note: I'm not a part of Approval Team so don't listen to me too much about mechanics.)

History

That trauma. Bullying and eventually lashing back when she's had enough? My overall impression is that of a blue, because she didn't quit archery, similar to how Taku didn't quit kendo when faced with bullying, and the fact she responds to her situation would good old violence. It's the very direct in-the-face-of-adversity type of things.

If you want to be a purple, you should try to give off an impression of avoidance before lashing out; you tried to run away from the problem but they chased after you, so you ended up cornered and had to lash out. Purple is that "fight or flight" response, and should be viewed as something like avoiding the problem until you have to deal with it, or dealing with it and avoiding the repercussion of your actions.

Admittedly, your power set that is described later on is more fitting of a red, so think about how your character would avoid the problem than try to solve it or pretend it doesn't exist.

Personality
High octane aggressive. I understand that you're trying to portray that she's snapped and lashes out at everything, but this is very extreme and would mean that your PC would be forced to be medicated or some such. It's not really "kuudere with a touch of yandere"; kuudere implies a cold indifference that is unmistakably calm and collected, which your character certainly isn't. Yandere implies you are incredibly protective and obsessive about what you love or cherish, but what I'm seeing is a very extreme form of tsundere; a tsun so aggressive it's borderline murderous on all fronts and absolutely overshadows any dere. I guess it could overlap with yandere in that your character would do anything to protect what little she cares about, but the overwhelming hostility makes very little of that dere show.

tl;dr your character is 99% extreme murderous tsun and 1% dere. This is a long way of saying I feel like you're mislabeling some things.

Duel Avatar

Bow user. Absolutely no mention of melee capability. What? How is this purple? Purple is mixed range, like some sort of spear that doubles as a harpoon gun or electricity or sound manipulation or something. It has to be a way of combat that can be applicable to both melee and long distance. I'd suggest changing the color to say, red, I feel it fits what you desire more.

I am one of those seemingly few people who likes Marksmanship of the Huntress. I'd give it like a KG cost per arrow or something and let it pierce through stage hazards and DAs only. Defensive Enhanced Armaments and abilities that could reasonably stop it (setting the arrows on fire, creating a wall of ice, etc.) would not be pierced through, per se. Not only that, but such a piercing ability means that to make the best use of it, you need superior vision and x-ray vision so you can pull off something like sniping through walls. As it is now, blindly firing is more likely to shoot through nothing than hit at all.

I dunno what the heck about Kyudo that isn't covered by Halo.

Piercing Arrow, as everyone has said, is too strong. If you want to take the hunting motif to the extreme, make something like setting a "mark" on your opponent that allow your arrows to home in on the opponent or something. Just a suggestion.

EDIT: Upon reading it doesn't sound like an OHKO (I've been lied too ;_;)

Assuming you mean 100% unmodified physical damage are you saying it's just your STR or something? It's quite confusing. The AGI calc makes it a double-edged sword, so now I don't really see what the heck is wrong with this. (Approval Team ;_;)

Sorry, bro.

--------------------------------

As an aside, sorry if I'm too blunt or rude or anything. I don't want to be mean, I swear. ._.

[Zagrin]

I'm coming here to say some lines for Dual Avatar's moves, this is just the mechanics, everyone else can deal with the other stuff:

Marksmanship of the Huntress - make it 5% per arrow, pierce is then fine.

Kyudo - No, passives aren't supposed to be powerful exactly because they don't cost anything, so I'd say change it or on the other hand could do something like capping it at a certain amount of stacks

Impetus: Looks fine to me, counters agility dumpers, not as useful against fellow agility users, it requires 100% KG therefore Marksmanship cannot be used as the cap is 100%, and by capping/changing Kyudo also keeps it in check.

Also, AT guys, it's not an OHKO, it's a nuke with the strength of it determined by ATK + the difference in AGI, look up the damage tables if you're wondering if it'll OHKO.

My opinion on the killer moves, and I'm not AT either, so dunno what it's worth.

[Forthwind]

I edited a lot of things and added some details. I edited the KM changed the ATK to SKL instead and reworked the damage output multiplier. Replaced the EA ability and removed the passive ability. allocated the stats and reworked some of it. Overall, i made some chanes. I'm ready for the next evaluation if you don't mind. thanks for the reviews.

[Nakara]

Okay first thing I found looking through your history is that it was constantly changing tense sometimes  being present, other past, and occasionally even future tense. This is a problem because other than hurting readability it is a HISTORY as in the past so  it should be all or almost all past tense.

Secondly as stated above there when firing a bow everyone else stands behind the shooter or equal to them in order to avoid people getting hit that needs fixed still.

Third how is she supposed to be shooting arrows at people with social cameras everywhere she would be in jail faster than you can blink.

Another thing is that the "nightmare" is not a nightmare at all it is described as being the scariest dream of Haru's life but your character just casually shoots everything from the safety of a tower. They are nightmares because they don't go in the characters favor.

If I understand right your Killer Move is a homing attack, which as Brain Burst uses real world logic is impossible for a bow user.

Finally as said above your avatar is much more a red type than a purple with its complete lack of melee capabilities. This is especially troublesome as your history definitely leans blue being just passable as purple in my opinion.

[Forthwind]

its not homing.

[Forthwind]

finished editing the history. that's how far i can only get to. sorry for the bad english, its not my native language so i suck at it. i did my best though.

[Guest]

Now this story is much more believable.

However your killer move's cost is extremely high and your KG charge rank makes it almost impossible for you to charge it up to use it. (at .7 per damage dealt and received, you'll have to deal or take 145% total HP.

[Forthwind]

i changed it to 50%

[Guest]

hmm looks good to me, I'll give my approval for now.

[Kerubin]

Just for now, I'll give my Approval, as I haven't went through the History yet, Only the Duel Avatar Part as of right now. But I'll take Gadget's word on the History part until I get back from Church later today.

[Destination]

Halo, you're going to confuse him if you say you're going to approve him without having read through all his application; are you just basing it on Gadget's approval?

Give an approval only after the whole app has been read, I think we discussed this before.

Standing in for Halo then, I approve this char, having read the entire history and DA.

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